August M
The idea of a single perfect partner is one of the most enduring beliefs about love.
Every Valentine’s Day, the notion that someone out there is uniquely meant for us regains its emotional pull. But academics across psychology, sociology and economics say the evidence tells a more nuanced story.
Psychology of belief
In an interview with the BBC, Jason Carroll, Professor of Marriage and Family Studies at Brigham Young University, said humans are wired for deep attachment. “We are attachment-based creatures,” he says. “We desire that bond.”
However, he draws a distinction between destiny and deliberate partnership. “A soulmate is just simply found. It’s already pre-made. But a one and only is something two people carve out together over years of adapting, apologising, and occasionally gritting their teeth,” he says.
Carroll’s argument builds on psychological research into what scholars call “destiny beliefs” versus “growth beliefs.” Studies led by Professor C. Raymond Knee at the University of Houston in the late 1990s and early 2000s found that people who believed relationships were “meant to be” were more likely to doubt their partner after conflict.
Those with growth-oriented views were more likely to remain committed during disagreements.
Again speaking to the BBC, Carroll warned that early struggles can destabilise those who expect effortlessness. “The first time there’s any type of struggle, the immediate thought is, ‘well, I thought you were my soulmate. But maybe you’re not, because soulmates aren’t supposed to deal with things’,” he says.
Data vs destiny
Beyond psychology, mathematical modelling has also challenged the idea of a single destined match.
According to research published in the Journal of Public Economic Theory, Vanderbilt University economist Dr Greg Leo created a simulated dating market in which thousands of participants ranked one another. His algorithm repeatedly identified multiple stable pairings rather than one exclusive match per individual.
In these simulations, mutual first-choice matches were rare. Many participants, however, had several highly compatible options who ranked near the top of each other’s lists.
The findings suggest compatibility may be abundant rather than singular.
What predicts satisfaction
Long-term relationship research points in a different direction from cinematic romance.
According to research published in Sociology in 2015, Professor Jacqui Gabb of The Open University led the Enduring Love project, surveying around 5,000 people and conducting in-depth studies of 50 couples.
Participants consistently highlighted small daily gestures as central to feeling valued. In one diary entry cited in the research, a participant named Sumaira described an ordinary evening at home as “It’s perfect,” adding: “Just us and food. What more could I want?”
The project found that relationship satisfaction was strongly linked to what Gabb termed everyday attentiveness rather than grand displays.
Taken together, the research suggests that while the language of destiny remains appealing, enduring love appears less about discovering a prewritten match and more about building intimacy through repeated acts of care.
Sources: BBC interviews with Jason Carroll; research by C. Raymond Knee (University of Houston); Journal of Public Economic Theory; Sociology (2015), The Enduring Love project.
