Kenneth Glad
A pause in conversation can be healthy. But when silence is used to punish, avoid or control, researchers say it can leave lasting damage.
The silent treatment is not the same as taking time to calm down. It cuts off communication in a way that leaves another person waiting for a reply, an explanation or a way back in.
Citing cases described by U.S. professor Kipling Williams, Zetland reports that silence can stretch far beyond one argument.
In one case,a father stopped speaking to his teenage son and later found himself unable to break the silence. Even as he saw the boy change from a lively, happy teenager into someone withdrawn and diminished, the father struggled to reopen the relationship.
Williams studies ostracism broadly and has examined the effects of social exclusion for more than 40 years.
Punishment or fear
Research suggests that silence is often used for more than one reason. Some people use it to punish a partner, friend or family member for something they said or did. Others go quiet because they are afraid a difficult conversation will turn into a bigger fight.
Psychologist and PhD researcher Andreas Nikolajsen told Zetland that silence can also be used as a kind of test. A person may withdraw from the relationship while hoping the other person will notice, move closer and try to repair the bond.
But the person being ignored may read the silence very differently. Instead of seeing it as a hidden request for contact, they may experience it as rejection or contempt.
Over time, that misunderstanding can harden. The person who goes silent may feel disappointed that no one reached out, while the person left waiting may feel punished and less safe in the relationship. That makes trust harder to rebuild.
Patterns from childhood
Norwegian psychology professor Frode Thuen made a similar point in his advice column for Aftenposten, responding to a reader who described being met with silence by her mother as a child.
Thuen wrote that people who experience the silent treatment early in life may be more likely to repeat the same pattern later, consciously or unconsciously.
In that sense, the silent treatment can become a learned conflict habit. A child who grows up with withdrawal instead of conversation may come to see silence as a normal way to handle anger, fear or disappointment.
Nikolajsen told Zetland that adults can still examine the patterns they brought from home. The task is to notice which habits help relationships survive conflict, and which ones quietly damage them.
Arthur Brooks of Harvard Business School made a similar point in The Atlantic, arguing that recognising the habit is a chance to break the cycle rather than pass it on.
Read and ignored
Online silence has its own sting because it often comes with proof. A message can be marked as read with no reply. Someone can be active on another app while ignoring a conversation. A location-sharing feature can show friends together without the person who feels left out.
That visibility can make a non-reply harder to brush aside. It is no longer just silence. It can look like evidence that someone has seen you, understood you and still chosen not to answer.
At the same time, constant availability creates its own pressure. Younger users in particular may feel expected to reply almost immediately, even when they are tired, busy or unsure what to say.
Nikolajsen’s advice points back to the same basic idea: Silence is less damaging when it is explained. Saying that a conversation is difficult, or that time is needed before replying, gives the other person something to hold on to.
For family relationships already strained by years of distance, he suggests patient letters may be easier than demanding an immediate meeting. A letter can acknowledge hurt, show care and reopen contact without forcing a confrontation too soon.
The difference is intention. Silence chosen for rest, reflection or self-control can protect a relationship. Silence used to punish or disappear can leave the other person alone with questions that only grow heavier over time.
Sources: Zetland, The Atlantic, Aftenposten.
