Kenneth Glad
You’re midway through explaining something that mattered to you. Then it happens. The other person jumps in, not to interrupt, but to relate. Suddenly, your story is no longer the center of attention. And yet, it doesn’t feel entirely intentional either.
That familiar moment has been studied for decades. Sociologist Charles Derber, in The Pursuit of Attention, found that everyday dialogue is often shaped by subtle attempts to claim space in a conversation, not necessarily dominate it.
He called this pattern “conversational narcissism,” though, as noted by writer Lachlan Brown in Essay for Global English Editing, the label can be misleading in many cases.
Inside the reflex
Before labels come into play, it helps to understand the mental process. When we hear someone’s experience, the brain tries to interpret it quickly.
Often, it reaches for the closest personal memory. Not out of selfishness, but efficiency.
This is where things begin to shift. Instead of staying with the speaker’s experience, the listener’s response becomes anchored in their own.
Derber’s research distinguishes between replies that maintain focus and those that redirect it. But in real life, the difference is subtle, and most people don’t notice when they cross that line.
A 1990 study published in Communication Monographs found that individuals who frequently redirect conversations are often unaware of doing so, even though others perceive the behavior negatively.
Learned patterns
Some of these habits trace back further than people expect. Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget described how young children naturally assume others see the world as they do.
While most outgrow this, traces can linger. In adults, it may show up as a tendency to interpret others’ experiences through one’s own frame of reference.
Early environment can reinforce this. Research on attachment suggests that people raised with inconsistent emotional support may learn to insert themselves into conversations as a way of maintaining connection.
In that context, sharing a personal story isn’t about shifting attention. It’s a way of staying included.
Over time, the behavior becomes automatic. Not calculated. Just familiar.
Why it matters
In workplaces and relationships, this pattern can quietly erode communication. One person feels they are engaging, while the other walks away feeling unheard.
That mismatch is where tension builds.
Importantly, this differs from clinical narcissism. As emphasized by Lachlan Brown, narcissistic personality disorder involves persistent traits like grandiosity and a clear lack of empathy.
Here, the issue is more subtle. A habit formed through cognition and experience, not a fixed personality trait.
Recognizing that distinction changes the response. It shifts the question from “Why are they like this?” to “What’s happening in the interaction?”
And sometimes, the smallest adjustment, pausing before replying, asking one follow-up question, can keep the conversation where it started: with the other person.
Sources: Global English Editing, Charles Derber, The Pursuit of Attention; Art of Manliness, Communication Monographs
